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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Memoirs of a Lagos City Hustler - LCH 15 Shitty Ideas

How true is this? Hahaha....... only experience can tell
Sweat dripping off my face as I approached the door, about to go in and one of the cleaners stops me to say I had to order something before I could use their toilet, in a very subtle voice(unlike me), I told him I would, right after I used the loo(lemme form posh small), he refused till I had to go buy one 'scotch egg', walking as slowly as I could back to the cleaner, he then handed me a roll of tissue and a flashlight, and then told me to roll up my trousers...I could barely make out his words till I stepped in a pool of water leading to the bathroom.

I spent half of the toilet roll on covering every piece of ceramic on the cistern(posh again) and sat down to do my business while holding up the flashlight. Outside the toilet looked so lit up, it would confuse you for an alien abduction and in here, the only source of light was in my hand. I couldn't help but notice all the different scribbles of perverted Nigerians (Yea, why do people do that!! lmao) on the toilet door and cockroaches racing each other on the ceiling. (But guy, which toilet was this sef? GTB's one doesn't have roaches)

Next my phone rang, from the ringtone, I could tell it was my girlfriend, I wasn't gonna pick the call in there, I learnt the hard way when my phone fell into the poo I just let off at my grandma's burial (I had too much to eat), had to rinse off the phone first with soap and water before repairing it for thousands. This wasn't my first time with constipation, that demon has been haunting me since primary school where I once 'shat' on myself when 'aunty' refused to let me go to the toilet, did it once in secondary school too, we had just got back from an excursion from badagry slave trade route; you know that built up feeling you get when you are close to the toilet and its like you can't hold it anymore? Well as we got to the school gate, I was hoping to run in and use the toilet, then some bighead teacher slammed the door shut and decided to have a revival of prayers, I was this close to making a clean getaway with constipation and next thing I know, I had let it all out (I was the talk of the school for a term) Ewwwww!!

University went easy on me, if I felt weird, I'd rather not go to school and I was one of the few people who knew where they kept the toilet key for the library, my friends used to assume I enjoyed reading(if only they knew why I frequently visited the library).Okay, I had to hold this shit in to write this, I heard the gas would slowly build up and rise to the brain.....that's where shitty ideas come from!!!

See ya next week!

BIG BOLD RED DISCLAIMER - LCH, this is LCH by Adetayo Kennedy please note!! hehe